Sunday 29 January 2017

It's Time for a Chat

I wouldn't even know where to start with the last year, to say it has been a challenge would be an understatement. My life has changed dramatically, I've learnt a lot about myself and who was worth keeping in my life. The last bit sounds harsh but I'm at the age now where I can see a toxic person from a mile off and that shit needs to be cut away. 

I started 2016 in a completely different career, in a really bad head space and just generally in a crap way. This became increasingly worse and my relationships with the mister, family and friends suffered. It took me hitting completely rock bottom to go and speak to someone because I thought doing so made me weak and pathetic. I was afraid of the reaction and I didn't want to be another statistic, part of me still sees it as a weakness of my own and I don't think that'll change. It's just how I feel and I've come to terms with that. 

After being diagnosed, I hated my Twitter feed and I had a much needed clear out. I didn't want to read anything about mental health, I didn't want to see it and I didn't want to listen to it because that was how I coped with it. Some may find that peculiar, some may even think due to my diagnosis I should be supporting awareness and fighting the stigma even more but in all honesty, it made me feel shit, I didn't want it to define me or become something I spoke about all the time, I didn't want it to be a part of me and I still don't. I spent seven months in 2016 blogging, reading, sleeping and crying a lot. I reacted terribly to anti-depressants then had to try different ones to welcome even more shit side effects. I cannot begin to explain how much I hated taking them. They made me, not me.

I'm in a much better place now, I've started 2017 feeling stronger, happier and more in control, my relationships with all my nearest are as amazing as ever, I'm finally coming off those bloody tablets after the most horrendous side effects ever and I've transformed the way I'm living my life. I'm more selfish in regards to how I'm feeling, I've completely changed my eating habits, I've been getting outside more and I finally have another reading list in place thanks to my trusty Kindle. 

I should say though, the last year wasn't all so bad. I spent four days in what was my home country reading and walking in the evening sun with three special people, Arran asked me to be his wife, we became godparents to our favourite little boy ever, I've really learned who I want in my life and who I don't, my little blogging hobby has grown from strength to strength which is surreal and I went in to a new career.

I have no plans for 2017, after the bullshit that was 2016 I'm just going to try and enjoy every moment, visit new places and experience new things with the mister, do more of what I want to and most importantly, not give a shit about what other people think nor take any shit from anyone. It's been a long time coming but I think I'm finally there.

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