Sunday 6 January 2019

Hello 2019

There's a first for everything right?! Well this is the first time I've sat down and written out a new year, new me type post with goals for the year ahead. I'm not one for putting my resolutions and goals out publicly to be honest I'm not a resolution and goal type person anyway and tend to stick with what will be, will be but after a pretty crap 2018 I yearned for a new direction and change in my life. 

In the last few months I haven't hidden the fact I've found the last year very hard and I think the starting point was recovering or at least trying to after Joshua's birth. I thought I was okay, I said I was okay to everyone but I wasn't and I thought admitting that would mean I was weak and a crap mum. I won't ever share my birth story because I don't want to, I don't owe anyone my story but I am very slowly trying to come to terms with it. It's very difficult as a lot of the complications still cause issues in my every day life now and are yet to fixed if they can be and that is how my year is starting, with my first appointment with a surgeon. 

Among my own problems with being diagnosed with post natal depression and post traumatic stress disorder, we battled to get a diagnosis for Joshua's allergy, my dad had a heart attack and was thankfully saved, Arran and I fought to keep our relationship because NO ONE talks about relationships post baby and fuck me are they hard! My Great Grandmother suffered a stroke and sadly passed away in October, my beautiful Nan also passed away in October on the morning of Joshua's first birthday and if I'm honest that is what destroyed me for the rest of the year. 

I need to start this year with a fresh slate because if I don't then I'm just going to crumble more and I can't because I'm not prepared to. I thought and I hope setting some goals to see me through the start of the year would help. Just writing all this out is helping, I like to write and vent because it's my therapy so even if my mash of words don't make much sense to some, it does to me. 

My goals are simple, I like simple in times of need. I don't want to swim the English Channel (although with Brexit looming this year may be my only chance) or starting going to the gym every day, I just want goals to make me happy and relaxed, full of things I love already doing but somehow don't always make the time for. At least if they're in black and white for the whole world to see I have to try and stick to them too...

Read more
Reading has always been my escape, I adore getting lost in a book and spending hours in a cosy little nook with a cup of tea. Books can take you away from the world and all your problems and I'd quite like that at the moment. I've had a Good Reads account since I bought my Kindle in 2016 but this year I've set it up properly added books I've read and want to read and I've also set a challenge to read 25 books this year but I may increase this after six months. I started the year with The Tattooist of Auschwitz and I'm about to start my fourth book (I read fast and I've had a lot of down time the last week) already with a few more on order. Reading is my happy place so it seems ideal to have this as a goal for 2019.

Make the most of family & friends
I'm a very sociable person, I always have been so this isn't a goal to make more time as such, it's just to make the most of who I have in my life already. Since becoming a Mum, I've definitely made my friendship circle smaller, some through choice, some not but it's meant I'm not wasting time on people that don't deserve my time any more. We already have plans in place with friends across the country from weddings to brunches and day trips to potential weekends away so I'm looking forward to making memories with those who matter and enrich my life.

Eat better
My diet the last year has been AWFUL because I'd feel rubbish, eat some chocolate then feel more rubbish because I ate chocolate and my jeans don't fit then repeat. It's a vicious cycle that I find so hard to get out of. I've joined Slimming World previously and lost three stone in 2015/16, it was the best I'd felt and it's something I really need to do this year now I'm in the right frame of mind to do it again. I need to get the extra baby weight off. I'm not uncomfortable at the size I am because my weight is aggravating an old ankle injury as well as my back from where I was pregnant and lugged around a 9lb baby. I know some people are funny about SW but it works for me, I've always been a loose follower of the programme because there's a couple of things I find odd but ultimately I need that push to do it again and the weekly weigh ins really help me. Plus, I have so many beautiful summer dresses I want to wear this year and if that doesn't give me the motivation to do it, nothing will. 

Blog of me
This is a biggy for me because I have seriously lost my way in the world of blogging and what I want to do. I'm bored of the mindless competition, the fakeness, the huge brands that don't know how to pay a fucking invoice on time and people crying over Instagram. It's become so saturated with wankers that I've started to pull away, I see it online and first hand with Southampton Bloggers and I'm just a bit over it now so 2019 is the year I'm going change what I do, ignore everyone else and just write for me. I want to share more of what I really want to, not worry about what anyone else is doing and try and enjoy it again. My blog turned five at the start of January and I am beyond proud of how much I have achieved BUT to continue this journey I need to change what I'm doing for me.

Get out more
This one is for Joshua and I because I'm a creature of habit and if it's cold, I like to stay cosy. We're in a good routine now but I definitely need to make more of an effort to get out at least every other day for a walk in the woods, a trip to the park or for a leisurely stroll to Zara. The air in our lungs will do us both the world of good and there's coffee shops everywhere so I'll be caffeinated up to my eyeballs which is my idea of fun.

If you've got this far... well done because this is a long ol' post but happy new year, I hope the year is off to a great start for you too. We can do this right?!

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