Monday 16 November 2020

Lockdown 2.0 - I'm worried

Lockdown 2.0 - It's like déjà vu and we're back to six months ago under lockdown with new restrictions but in a strange way nothing much has really changed. The title of this post sounds more extreme than it is meant to but I suppose considering everything, worried was the right word to use. 

I'm not necessarily worried about lockdown, I'm worried about the implications it brings with it especially as we go into winter and the clocks have gone back. Like thousands of others and maybe you reading this now, I struggle with the darker, colder months. I feel most alive in the summer when there are blue skies, light evenings and the sound of summer fun and laughter in the air.

I suppose you could liken it to S.A.D aka Seasonal Affective Disorder which is a type of depression that's related to the change in seasons with symptoms starting in the Autumn and continuing through to the Winter Months making you feel moody, lethargic and tired. It's pretty grim and although I don't suffer from a severe form, I definitely do suffer.

We were kinda lucky with the last lockdown as we had such glorious weather so I didn't feel as trapped. Joshua and I would wake up and get out for a walk early most days and then set up play stations at home or get the paddling pool out whereas this time it's cold, wet and muddy. 

And I don't do mud.... thankfully nor does Joshua.

I've found the first week particularly hard, more so because of the rain we've had so I'm really going to aim to get out for a walk, even just a short one every day this week. I find I get myself in a rut and I'll have one cosy day then the next day I'll make an excuse and then it seems too overwhelming to do it even though I know I feel so much better for getting out in the fresh air, it's like a vicious cycle. 

Before, I could hide away but now I'm a mother I can't do that and I need to be able to get up, get out and show that it's all okay for Joshua too. 

In April, I wrote Reasons I'm Grateful for Now and a lot of that still rings true this time around. I still want to make this time about my family and doing things we love. In lockdown 1.0 there was this immense pressure to achieve something and I fell into that trap, I ordered cross stitch and embroidery kits I've half-finished and signed up to an online course I am yet to start. It all sounded great at the beginning but I suppose I was just washed away with everyone else trying to achieve when really we should've all just been trying to survive. 

I'm not going to make that mistake again, if I get J and me up, fed and dressed daily with plenty of laughs in between that's enough. We can bake, colour, explore, walk and read - they're the memories that will last, not me crying in the toilet because I fucked up my cross stitch again. 

Our entire lives have changed this year and Christmas will be our next stepping stone but having the pressure taken off is something I am looking forward to. There will be no Christmas markets, no Father Christmas visits, no events or work every night leaving me just a few days to watch The Holiday & Love Actually, no stress (other than saving for the big day!) and that feels me with joy and such a sense of relief. 

I don't think the worry in the pit of my stomach with go away any time soon and I know I'll definitely have bad days, but we all will - we're all trying to ride this unpredictable storm together and sometimes you just need to word vomit into an internet void to try and make sense of those feelings. 

I'm worried but I'm positive we can ride this together - oh and wear a mask. 

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