Sunday, 11 August 2019

I'm Scared


(All photos by Candid Days Photography)

I've had this sat in my drafts for months, I've read over it again and again tweaking little bits so it makes a little more sense, adding other bits in that have kinda become relevant and being too scared to press publish on my post about being scared.

Seems silly right? 

I needed to let my thoughts out in the open, a problem halved almost. I started writing this in January, I don't think I'd even shared much of what I was feeling with Arran at this point until one day it all came barreling out in a fit of snotty sobs. It was not pretty and I'm just glad he didn't leave me after I left snot all over his shoulder as I wept. 

I'm ready to share this post now, after taking the time to look into calming apps and walk more to clear my thoughts, I feel less terrified of putting how I feel out there for all to read and incredibly grateful I have such a strong support network.


Becoming a mother is one of the scariest and hardest things I've ever done and once you have that tiny tot in your arms, it doesn't get any less scary. For me, the fear started the day I found out I was pregnant. I was scared of the unknown and what was to happen especially as we had an ectopic pregnancy scare. From the day we found out to the three days following, it was a blur of blood tests, hospital visits, an emergency department dash and eventually a scan to let us know it was all okay. Six weeks later we had another scan to find a heartbeat and six weeks after that was our dating scan, the big twelve week mark.

We're told time and time again your pregnancy becomes more viable the closer you get to twelve weeks and with a previous pregnancy which resulted in a miscarriage at seven weeks one year prior, it was a nervous time. I know many refer to children after miscarriage as rainbow babies but I personally don't as I don't like the term. Joshua isn't a rainbow baby and we don't want to associate him with loss. For us, it happened and we closed the door on it and we wouldn't have Joshua today if that hadn't of happened. 

I suppose you can associate fear with so much in pregnancy especially in the lead up to the birth. I wasn't scared of the birth as such, he had to come out one way or another but I was scared about something going wrong, scared that I wouldn't be taking our son home with us. Throughout my pregnancy I would worry about things I couldn't necessarily prevent such as a freak accident which would change everything and take everything in a second. It almost seemed silly, I would tell Arran about scenarios that I would worry about, some had no way of ever coming to light but it didn't matter. I found meditation helped while I was still pregnant but the minute we had him in our lives things intensified.


My birth was horrible, the details I'll never share but it almost felt like I was up against a battle from the minute he was born, I felt like so much was preventing me from being what I thought was a normal mum and because I wasn't on my feet for some time, I felt like I couldn't protect him and that's what I needed to do. I'd lay there at night watching his chest move as he breathed, something I still do now and the slightest thing would send me into a panic.

Meeting me, you wouldn't think I was an overly anxious person. It's something I keep to myself as I've always been able to control it to a certain degree but having a child has thrown that completely out the window. I'm anxious all the time, I'm so scared that something is going to happen or something is going to take my son away from me. Silly things like walking down the road will send me into a panic. There's a blind corner along one of the ways we walk and each time we walk that way panic sets in and my mind goes into overdrive thinking about what would happen if a car swung round and lost control, I would think about what I could do to protect Joshua to the exact detail and what would happen if I couldn't. I can't control the actions of others and that terrifies me. I always thought everyone thought like this but I'm not so sure. 

We could be walking along without a care in the world and that little seed of doubt creeps in and my mind goes into overdrive full of what ifs. Nothing has ever happened, it's all a build up of thoughts but those thoughts seem so real that I would just burst into tears there and then. I thought it would get easier as he grew older but I don't think it has. He's a much better sleeper now in his own room than he was but has always slept in chunks with one wake up. When he does sleep for longer instead of feeling relieved we've had more of an evening just Arran and I, I start to freak out and think something has happened. I get panicky and I just need to know he's breathing and okay, he always is but I'm so scared that the one time I don't check will be the one time I really should've.


It's relentless and exhausting mentally.

All parents worry though right? That's what I always tell myself, that I'm not alone but I do wonder if my concern is so intense that it's more than just being scared and something I need to address. I suppose in a way this is me addressing it, writing it down to let it all out and share my thoughts with the world.

There is so much wrong doing in the world and it terrifies me that I can't protect him from everything but I also know at some point, I'll need to let him find his own two feet in the world. I feel like I'm constantly being torn in two, I want to keep him small and in my arms forever but I want to show him everything I possibly can and let him run free. I don't want him to be afraid, I want him to reach for the stars and know he can achieve anything if he puts his mind to it.

I know this is my own personal struggle, my own fear and I need to find a way to live with it more calmly and not let it affect me but being a parent is honestly the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced and sometimes I don't know how to deal with it.

I suppose sometimes it's okay to just admit it. 

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14 comments

  1. Oh Alice, I really feel for you. I can’t imagine how it feels as I don’t have a child, but that said I worry terribly about the possibly of a baby and if the world is a good place to bring one into as you say you can’t protect them from everything. Sometimes I think it’s a silly thing to think, but I guess we all worry about this stuff at some point.
    Such an honest post and I hope it helps you to put it out there and find people relate a lot to what you go through daily.

    https://littlemissmelanie.com/

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  2. such an open and honest post, you're an amazing mum. that last photo is just gorgeous too x

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  3. I can’t imagine how terrifying it must be x

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  4. It's really refreshing to know that actual parents feel like this - I always wonder if I'll ever be ready for kids as I would just be so worried about keeping them safe, so scared of not being good enough and so on!

    Jasmine xx



    Jasmine Talks Beauty

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  5. I hope you get help to cope with your anxiety! It sounds like you're such a great mum though. All good mums worry a little, but if it's an issue it's definitely something you should reach out for help with! Even just talking things through can help.

    My first son had some issues and birth and came out not breathing and needed a little help - I spent most of his life obsessing over him breathing and would wake a lot in the middle of the night to just check on him. My second son, it was all so different! He came flying out screaming, ha! And I wasn't as worried with him, I don't know if it was exhaustion with two that I didn't wake up just to check on him or because his birth was so different and he wasn't in danger at any point. We had a talk in our mum groups about difficult births and that really helped me see his birth was what was changing my view. It felt good to talk it out!

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  6. This was so brave of you to write and I'm so proud that you've taken the time to get your words out. I hope it's made it a very cathartic thing for you that helps in the long wrong. Love you lots xx

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  7. Oh Alice! I know exactly exactly how you feel - this has been my experience too. At one point when she was small I stopped leaving the house because to walk anywhere we have to go on a stretch of busy main road and I had convinced myself we would get hit by a car mounting the kerb and so I just wouldnt walk anywhere with her in the pram. And at night the same - what if the one time you don't go in when they cry is the one time it is something really awful? I know my husband thinks I am crazy, the random scenarios that I come up with in my head, but they feel so real to me and I find it really difficult to cope with. I knew I had anxiety before (but I only really understood and accepted that in the last few years), but since becoming a parent it is next level. I always wanted two children, and I am still desperate for a sibling for Emilia, but I am not sure that I can take the anxiety of two! Or another pregnancy. We were so lucky everything was straightforward with our first, but despite that it was still a mental rollercoaster on a day to day basis because you can't see inside and you don't know what's going on really til they appear. It was exhausting. Not sure I can do it alongside taking care of a toddler (which as we all know is also exhausting). Thank you so much for sharing this. You are not alone at all, and it really helps to know that neither am I. xxxxx

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  8. Being a mum is absolutely terrifying. You just want to protect this tiny person in a world that seems so unjust and hostile at times. Penny starts nursery next week and the thought of leaving her to fend for her myself keeps me up at night. She's still so tiny and trusting.

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  9. completely relatable lovely, its SO hard, especially with the things you have no control over. I want to cry every time AJ asks about Brexit, why we are leaving the EU etc, It's SO sad. But the worry can eat you alive with it all.

    Erin || MakeErinOver

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  10. This is so well written Alice and very brave. I hope you found sharing this helpful in some way
    Em x

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  11. I am feeling this on so many levels! I've become a different person I swear x

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  12. Alice. I hear you and I feel you.
    Being a parent is just a continuous rollercoaster of emotions, mainly built upon fear.
    I have a 6 nearly 7 year old and I'd love to say it gets easier with age, but it doesn't. You just face a whole load of different circumstances. Without sounding ridiculous, the best you can do is what you're doing. From what you show, your boy has an amazing life. He's happy and loved and that's what matters.

    Caroline.x
    http://www.carolineelgeywhite.com

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  13. This is what I love about the Blogosphere, people like you opening up and sharing your life stories. Beautiful pictures too! X

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  14. This is very brave! And, you're not alone. Parenthood, through to pregnancy, is a very anxious time for many - me included! But the best thing, I have found, is to openly talk about your worries and concerns, so it is great that you've been able to publish this and reach out to those closest to you. I would say it does get easier the older they get, that's not say new concerns arise, but generally you'll feel more relaxed about things - especially when you see how resilient they are!

    https://www.iwantnevergets.me

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